Therapists provide something that not a lot of us can – or want – to provide. They create a space where people can say anything and everything without judgment. People have a variety of hidden thoughts and feelings of which they might be ashamed or scared. That’s completely normal in a society of creatures who thrive on connection, a basic human need that is included in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Love and belonging (friendship, intimacy, family, sense of connection) sit right above Safety needs (personal security, employment, resources, health, property). It comes before Esteem, which includes respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, and freedom. We desire connection, we aspire to belong, we wish to be accepted by our tribe. But the part of us who wants to belong contends with the part of us who compares ourselves to others. If we do not meet the standard of others, then we do not belong. If we do not belong, we are refused human connection. And that is why many of us have a hard time sharing the most vulnerable parts of us.

What kind of stuff do we say in the therapy room that we keep from others, even our closest loved ones? “I am depressed.” “I think about killing myself.” “I am unhappy in my marriage.” “I am so angry I could punch a wall.” “I want to isolate myself from everyone” I am unhappy in my career.” “I am attracted to someone else.” These are just a fraction of statements we withhold because we fear judgment, reprisal, persecution, humiliation, and ostracization. That’s partly due to the fact that we believe the recipient of this information is going to take what we said and feel the charge to react. We are already anticipating that they will minimize our situation or tell us it will be okay. They will tell others. They will, in some way, communicate to us that our thoughts, and especially our feelings, are too big for them to carry.

But what we need most in that moment is to be heard and understood. And in empathetic terms, assured that we are still intrinsically valuable. No strings. We do not need people to carry our weight. It might feel nice to unload onto others what we are carrying (anger, especially; grief, fear, hurt, shame) in the moment, but the people in our lives are not meant to carry our weight. We are responsible for that. What people receive from therapy is the space to let that weight down. It is an incredibly difficult process, but it is what happens.

People do not need you to carry their weight; they need a non-judgmental space to drop their weight. A place where they can unload the heaviness and examine it with a qualified professional who will not pick it up for immediate action. A professional who will not internalize the weight as personal, objectionable, indefensible, or threatening. Disclaimer: Actual threats of harm to self and others will be reported to authorities – safeguarding is of the utmost importance.

So, if you find yourself stuffing your thoughts and feelings due to a fear of rejection or discomfort, please contact someone you trust. Reach out to someone who will not judge you. Someone who will give you what you need, especially space.